This is a follow-up post from my previous, Holding onto Hope.

“God doesn’t say ‘NO’ to what is His will”. If the fridge is empty keep the door closed.

Every day I pray for God to open the right doors and to close the wrong ones. I pray this for myself and I pray this for Rick and his business partners; that they discern from the good and bad decisions and I ask God to slam shut the wrong doors; lock them and keep them closed.

This morning I started a new book, The Power of a Praying Wife, and I read this “God doesn’t say ‘NO’ to what is His will…. And it got me to thinking…

If He closes a door, let it be closed. Keep it shut. There’s nothing good behind it anyway. Or perhaps there is some good, but not the great He has planned for you; for your life. It made me think of a refrigerator. When we know the fridge is stocked with delicious, good food – we go out of our way to always open it. We’ll drag our butts off the couch, out of bed and into the kitchen as if the tasty food is calling our names. We open the door. We eat the good food, and we’re more likely to keep opening it and share what’s inside with others if there’s good stuff to offer.

However, when it’s been a while since you’ve gone to the grocery store; and all that’s in the fridge is condiments, a few eggs, and maybe some rotting mixed greens you are way less likely to open the door. You keep it shut. There’s nothing good inside. There’s nothing behind the closed door worth getting off the couch for. Sometimes our mind plays tricks on us; we sit on the couch and think “maybe if I open the door this time something new to eat will be in there” but you know good and well; there ain’t nothing in the fridge cause you still haven’t been to the store. And sometimes we’ll get up and open the closed door and be reminded that “oh yeah, there’s nothing in here” and we sit back down.

I think it’s a great metaphor for life. How many times have we forcefully tried to open a closed door only to find out again and again that it was closed in the first place for a reason – there ain’t nothing good behind it worth investing your time in. All that time we spend opening empty, closed doors when we could be opening doors with delicious food, a better life waiting for us to walk into, to eat; to share with others. It could be filled with food you bought; worked hard for – or a fridge filled with good food from other people just waiting to be opened; to be enjoyed.

Yesterday I got the results back from my DNC. I got to peek inside the door that God closed. He said “NO” for a reason – it was not His will.

45X – also known as Turner Syndrome. That was the conclusion of what happened to my pregnancy. My baby was a girl. I had always hoped and dreamed I would have another girl. Pepper talked about having a sister – a sister she would share her clothes and toys with. The baby, whom I have decided to name Violet Rose to give me some sort of closure, stopped growing because she was missing a chromosome. Turner Syndrome is a chromosomal disorder in which a female is born with only one X chromosome. Basically, girls who are born with Turner Syndrome have a missing or incomplete sex chromosome – which means they do not go through puberty, have a menstrual cycle and in most cases are infertile. There’s also a number of health complications associated with this Syndrome and you can read more about it here if you’d like.

Most early miscarriages (mine would be qualified as such since I’ve never made it out of the first trimester with the past three) occur because there is a chromosome issue and the baby aborts itself. Nature does what nature is intended to do. This is what my doctor and I spoke about yesterday and agreed upon. She asked if I wanted to see a fertility specialist but I declined because I do not have a problem getting pregnant. My “problem” is staying pregnant and as it turns out – that may not be a problem if the pregnancy is not meant to be or if it isn’t viable.

We agreed that I would not supplement with progesterone when I get pregnant again. And while we discussed that I did take progesterone when I was pregnant with Pepper; we don’t know for sure if that’s why she progressed healthily or if she would’ve progressed that way naturally without it. We also agreed that I would wait until I was at least 8 weeks pregnant to make my first appointment – to give my body time to do what it needs to do and we would go from there.

It was a lot to take in yesterday. And I thought I processed it fairly well until I went to yoga today and cried like a baby during shavasana and when I got into my car. I think it was the feelings of knowing I was going to have a girl; what I wanted – but the fact that I couldn’t make her complete, made me sad. And knowing that she is now in heaven, made whole – with no chromosome issues, waiting for us to meet her one day made me happy and sad at the same time. I got into my car and cried some more and it felt therapeutic; to just allow myself to feel these feelings.

I am thankful that God closed this door. Because I pray for His will every day, I need to be open to the fact that it may not be what I expect or desire. Remember, He doesn’t say “NO” to what is His will – and while it helps to know that everything did indeed work together for the good; all the feelings are still a little raw for me and writing and sharing all of this helps me; yet again.

So thank you for reading and oh my goodness, thank you so so much for every text, every comment, every message, and phone call you all have sent me after my previous post. The sense of peace that washed over me reading all of them was so healing and so helpful. Know that if you shared your family’s struggles with me, you are in my prayers daily as well.

I know there was some good behind this closed door; but there wasn’t the great that God has planned for my life – and I’ll continue to pray that He will open a fruitful and amazing door for us when the time is right.